When Life Doesn't go According to Plan...

I know you're all in shock that I'm actually posting something as its been several months since I've blogged. After reading this I'm sure you will forgive me though.

Back in August we found out I was pregnant. We were very very excited to be expecting our first baby (to say the least). We didn't expect to get pregnant so fast after trying for just a month!! Both our families were thrilled for their first grandchild and great grandchild to finally be on its way as its been a long time coming (we've been married for over 4 years now). I was so happy to be pregnant and to have a baby in April, the doctor even told me my due date was April 10th--my Birthday.

Well, the excitement was short lived as it all turned out to be too good to be true. When I was 12 weeks along I miscarried. Nothing could have prepared me for the loss I felt for the weeks and months following the miscarriage. I felt like someone had played a cruel joke on me, and that all my plans for the future had been thrown out the window. I was completely devastated and depressed. "How can this be happening to me?" & "What did I do wrong?" were constant thoughts going through my head. I was a huge mess of emotions--anger, sadness, guilt, frustration, confusion, etc.

I know some of you have experienced miscarriages as well, and for those who have, my heart goes out to you. I can truly empathize with your pain.

It never use to bother me when I would hear about others' pregnancies, babies, children, etc. I always felt genuinely happy and excited for others, knowing that one day I would get pregnant and have a baby of my own when I was ready. Then, it would be my turn to blog and post pictures of my cute belly, and then baby. After my miscarriage, however, it all started to bother me. How could some people be on their 2nd and 3rd pregnancies when I had yet to experience my 1st? How was that fair? I was angry and frustrated constantly.

For months I felt like there was nothing going on in my life of any importance whatsoever, definitely nothing worth blogging about. Pictures of vacations we had been on, or pictures of my dog, or posts about movies we'd seen or new furniture we bought suddenly seemed so frivolous and mundane. How could any of these things compare to being able to blog about pregnancy or the birth of a new child?

Looking back, I can now say I've experienced the ever-so talked about "grieving process" [denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance]. I've finally come to the point of accepting the miscarriage, and realizing that my plan is not the only plan. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me, a plan for each of us. I know His plan doesn't always run parallel to mine. All my life I've been a "planner", and this was one time life didn't go according to plan for me. I know I need to trust in Heavenly Father and have faith in His love.

I'm so grateful for a loving, supportive family (especially husband) that has been more than kind and loving towards me during this difficult trial. Through prayers & tears I've felt myself growing closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ, knowing that he has physically experienced the same feelings and emotions I have. I know the love of Christ has truly healed my pain. I also know the pain I've felt doesn't even compare to the pain & sorrows He felt and bore for us. "He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our peace was upon him, and with His stripes....we are healed." (-Mosiah 14:3-5)